When you say “I love you,” what do you mean? 

Terry Hatkoff, a California State University sociologist, has created a love scale that identifies six distinct types of love found in our closest relationships. 

• Romantic: Based on passion and sexual attraction 
• Best Friends: Fondness and deep affection 
• Logical: Practical feelings based on shared values, financial goals, religion etc.  
• Playful: Feelings evoked by flirtation or feeling challenged
• Possessive: Jealousy and obsession 
• Unselfish: Nurturing, kindness, and sacrifice

Researchers have found that the love we feel in our most committed relationships is typically a combination of two or three different forms of love. But often, two people in the same relationship can have very different versions of how they define love. Dr. Hatkoff gives the example of a man and woman having dinner. The waiter flirts with the woman, but the husband doesn’t seem to notice, and talks about changing the oil in her car. The wife is upset her husband isn’t jealous. The husband feels his extra work isn’t appreciated.

What does this have to do with love? The man and woman each define love differently. For him, love is practical, and is best shown by supportive gestures like car maintenance. For her, love is possessive, and a jealous response by her husband makes her feel valued. 

Understanding what makes your partner feel loved can help you navigate conflict and put romance back into your relationship. You and your partner can take the Love Style quiz from Dr. Hatkoff and find out how each of you defines love. If you learn your partner tends toward jealousy, make sure you notice when someone is flirting with him or her. If your partner is practical in love, notice the many small ways he or she shows love by taking care of everyday needs.

When Leah Martinson, a health coach in Minneapolis, first meets with a new client, she typically asks her to visualize a clear picture of what she wants—her ideal wellness scenario. Then they work together to create what Martinson calls a client-driven action plan. “I don’t tell people what to do,” she says. “I prompt them to figure it out for themselves.” She asks questions like “What is it about the gym that you dread?” “What kind of exercise is exciting to you?” and “What do you enjoy cooking at home?” The idea is to identify your personal barriers and how to overcome them. After that first session, Martinson sees the person regularly (for anywhere from 20 to 90 minutes at a time) to help her stay on track. “It’s sort of like therapy, but with a mind-body health twist,” she says.

Wellness coaches aren’t supposed to recommend specific exercise routines (as a fitness trainer would) or advise you about your nutritional needs (as registered dietitians do), explains Ruth Quillian Wolever, PhD, director of Vanderbilt Health Coaching at the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine at Vanderbilt University. They also don’t diagnose conditions or suggest medications. Instead, a health coach is supposed to, well, coach you.

Consider this familiar example: Most of us know that it’s healthier to order a side salad than a side of fries. “But there’s a big difference between knowing what you should do and actually doing it,” points out Wolever. Coaches help people make those types of healthier choices by brainstorming with them about what will really motivate them.

Similarly, a health coach can’t tell you how to reduce the amount of stress in your life. (She won’t propose that you, say, consider a career switch or end a toxic relationship.)

But she can help you figure out how to manage your stress better, says Kate Motz, a health coach in Mountainside, N.J. With her clients, Motz discusses various strategies— everything from getting massages to starting a new hobby—so the clients can choose what sounds most appealing (and feasible).

The concept of wellness coaching isn’t exactly new. Health-oriented destination spas like Canyon Ranch and Miraval have long offered this kind of service to their guests. What is new? The idea that most people could benefit from it, and the fact that it’s more widely available right where you live.

Some doctors around the country are even starting to add coaches to their practice. Mott Blair, MD, a family physician in Wallace, N.C., says his in-office coach has been a vital addition, especially for patients dealing with new diagnoses. “When I tell patients they have diabetes or high cholesterol, there is so much information for them to absorb,” says Dr. Blair, who is also on the board of directors of the American Academy of Family Physicians. “Our health coach spends a lot of time with each person—often regularly scheduled 30-minute appointments—to help them stay motivated and accountable.”

Dr. Ejnes—whose practice in Cranston, R.I., has nurse care managers on staff to play the role of coach, keeping in touch with patients between office visits—sees this trend as a very good thing. It’s part of a movement toward a more collaborative, team-based approach, he says, that will eventually lead to better, more comprehensive care.

What are the goals you want in your relationship? Recently the term ‘relationship goals’ has become something of a social media phenomenon. Suddenly everywhere you turn in the world of the internet, it’s lit up with some over-the-top, some sweet, some bizarre, some hysterical and some inflated ideas of what a couple should aim for in their relationship. But what should you dismiss amidst all the hype, and what are the real relationship goals you actually want in your life?

At its most basic, a relationship goal is an ideal, lesson, value or experience to aim for in your intimate partner relationship. Instead of being unattainable, it should be inspirational. Relationship goals are best viewed as a loose guideline on how to best give and receive love in your relationship, nothing more and nothing less. Just because you don’t have matching Bentleys, doesn’t mean you can’t be besties!

The relationship goals you want to create in your life focus on fact, not fantasy. Couples like John Legend and Chrissy Teigen have been immortalized in the media for their on-point couple goal imagery, but at the same time have gone on to show the fairytale image can also be a real love story. We break down real relationship goals to commit to, long-term relationship goals to build and, finally, our list of relationships goals for happiness, all neatly packaged together in these 28 ultimate couple goals for life.